The (Almost) End Of Term Report

With 4 games to go, sitting comfortably on top of the league, looking ahead with fingers crossed at an automatic return to the Premiership, It is, quite frankly, a great time to be a Sunderland supporter again - and who could have imagined saying that when we were propping up the table a mere 226 days ago? I for one will admit I feared we would 'do a Forest' and go straight through, but I have never been happier to be proved wrong. In fact, pretty much all my predictions this season have ended up a bit like Glen Roeders face - wrong in every way.

I thought Leicester and Leeds would be promoted automatically; it seems I was a tad generous with that prediction! I then assumed Cardiff were up as champions by Christmas, when it turns out they were really just pretending to be good as a kind of wacky prank, but have now come clean and shown us they were actually rubbish all along, tut, you crazy guys! Along with The Bluebirds, I had West Brom down as the other promoted club. Tony Mowbray, despite having the face of an angry old woman, seemed to have turned them into a lean, mean, winning machine, but they've gone belly up lately as well. All of which means that A: I basically know nowt, and B: It leaves only Steve Bruces Birmingham ("ooh no we're not playing in the mud!!") and Jimmy Crankies Derby as our only realistic rivals.

So with the season drawing to a close, it seems the perfect time to look at how the lads have performed over the football year…

Darren Ward: What can you say? A man who I thought I would never see outside the reserves has become our most reliable keeper since Sorensen. Model pro, greatly deserved his contract extension. Slipped up against Stoke a few weeks back but I forgive him. Top man!

Marton Fulop: Another good keeper, blotted his copy book with the infamous bus incident but still looks a safe pair of hands and will only get better. Also scores points for being 9 feet tall.

Danny Simpson: Wasn't sure at first but looking really good lately, quick, strong and getting better with every game. I have heard there's a possibility of getting him permanently. Would suit both parties, and I could see a great Makin/Summerbee partnership forming with Carlos down the right.

Jonny Evans: Is surely set for great things, unfortunately it looks like it may not be at Sunderland in the long run. I can obviously see why Fergie wants to keep him but I don't see what chance the lad's got at Man Utd with the likes of Ferdinand, Vidic and even Wes Brown and Sylvestre ahead of him. It seems unfair to put him back in the reserves there, come on Sir Alex, let us have him on the cheap man!

Nyron Nosworthy: The Man, The Myth, The Legend - Nuggsy. His season could be turned into a Hollywood movie - the honest, hard working, but bumbling right back is taken under the wing of a footballing icon and emerges the greatest footballer the world has ever seen. OK, maybe a bit strong… but he's definitely the greatest defender the world has ever seen. Set to be knighted in the Queens Birthday honours list, be the first black James Bond and is being lined up by NASA as the first man to walk on the Sun. All in one day. Before a match.

Danny Collins: I still have my doubts. Surely left back is the position we need to urgently address in the summer. Has managed admirably but still gives me mild heart attacks several times each game. Out of his depth in the big games. Also looks a bit like Gail Platt / Limahl from Kadjagoogoo and styles his hair on Pat Sharp from Fun House, loses points for that.

Stanislav Varga: Stan Almighty, hindered by injury, but showed why he became a cult hero in his first stint at the SOL with some crunching tackles in his first few games. Great to have in the squad for next year - experience, strength, and consistently odd hair. Welcome back Stanley!

Dean Whitehead: Captain, midfield dynamo, and the owner of the largest face in the history of mankind. Quiet start to the season but once again proved he is a quality player in the second half of the season. Can only get better under Keane, good choice of leader. Bravo.

Liam Miller: I wasn't convinced at first; he seemed to do very little. I was always told he 'did the simple things well' which to me is just another way of saying 'average player'. But been impressive of late, so I take it back. Thanks Liam, for proving me wrong, AGAIN. Tut.

Carlos Edwards: The only real winger we've had since Summerbee in my opinion. Thought he may be just a flair player when he first arrived but he works hard, scores for fun, and is basically one of the worlds finest human beings. Signing of the season, a mackem legend in the making. Arise King Carlos!

Tobias Hysen: I like him (not in that way, who do you think I am? Graeme Le Saux??) Looked really exciting in his first few games but it seemed Keano didn't rate him much. Played his way back into favour though and looks good on the left, with Edwards on the right he gives some much missed balance and width to the side. Never frightened to have a pop at goal, and always amusing to hear which version of his name commentators will go for week by week.

Ross Wallace: Made an instant impact after his arrival, scoring a screamer against Derby. Full of effort and running, an exciting prospect and one that could make waves in the Premiership, given the chance. Also gains extra respect for repeatedly taking his shirt off when he scores, and repeatedly jumping into the fans, only to end up repeatedly getting booked / sent off for it. Daft I know but it shows he loves his football and the fans. Even the fact he had to climb a wall to get in amongst it at Hull didn't put him off!

Grant Leadbitter: This was always going to be the season he had to prove himself, he'd been a 'prospect' for a while but he has backed that up this year with some strong performances. Loves being on the ball, maybe hogs it a little too much at times, but in my opinion it is Leadbitter, along with The Noz, who has benefited most from Roy Keanes management. Not bad when you consider he is only 9 years old.

Graham Kavanagh: I remember watching Sky Sports News on August transfer deadline day when it was announced late in the night that we had signed Kav. I was in Edinburgh, rat-arsed, with a mag mate and a bunch of Hearts fans. They all pissed themselves laughing at the signing, while I shouted "YESSS!!" A true "lead by example" type of player, his goal against Leeds was awesome, basically an all round good egg with a very mysterious fringe. The fact he ended up injured rushing himself back from an injury says it all about his commitment.

Anthony Stokes: Started the season with a rejection from Quinny, then proceeded to score 756 goals in 16 games for Falkirk until a rather quiet Niall wiped the egg from his face to write out a cheque for £2m for the Irish assassin (not in the IRA sense). Looks a quality player to me, built like a bull and pace to burn, but must remember to stay on the cokes and set his alarm or risk becoming another Sean Thornton.

Stephen Elliot: Another injury ravaged season. I love Sleeves to bits but I can't see him figuring much next season. Honestly think he could've been another SuperKev if he could've kept fit but seems to have done about as much as he can.

Daryl Murphy: Doesn't look like a footballer, and what's with the black t shirt under his shirt all the time? At least get a white one Murphs, don't you know ANYTHING about style? Tut. Still, scored a fair few important goals this season. Great to have coming off the bench, always causes problems but, like Elliot, hard to see him figuring much in a Premiership side.

Stern John: Brought in to give another option to our attack and has done all that has been asked of him. 100% effort, still frightens the life out of defences, and you can tell by his face he loves it at Sunderland (mind you, anywhere's better than Coventry! Just ask Kev Kyle!) Only ever a short term fix though, but served us well. Good on you Stern.

David Connolly: Another one, along with Kav, who I'd always wanted to see in a Sunderland shirt. Slow start, but proved he is a class act. Another great lad to have in the squad for next season, I spoke to him in the Metro Centre in January and he admitted to being 'the least Irish Irishman ever' and that's saying something when you've played alongside Ray 'The Scottish Scouse Irishman' Houghton and Clinton 'Pimp My Guinness' Morrison.

Dwight Yorke: I must admit, I didn't think it would work. I was shocked to hear we were interested, I was even MORE shocked to hear he wanted to sign. Sydney harbour, or shuttle runs on Roker beach? Hmmm… Interesting dilemma! Fair play to him though, he wanted another crack at it over here and, up until Christmas I thought he was going through the motions, I wasn't impressed. Since then however, All Night Dwight has made a real case for player of the season. Great vision, lovely touches; his class has shone through at times recently. And just to confirm he is back on form, when Keano gave the lads a few days off during the FA Cup / International break in March, where was Dwight? Keeping fit at home? Visiting family? Taking in a few matches? Nope - he was at Funky Buddha in London on the pull with Teddy Sheringham! Welcome back Yorkie!!

Forgotten Men: Kenny Cunningham - suffered with injuries, very much doubt he will be seen in red n white again, Stephen Wright - Still a good player but injury prone and needs to fight for a place from now on. Still very ugly, Clive Clarke - In short, he's had a mare! Bad debut, then an injury, then an unimpressive loan spell… Days are numbered. William Mocquet - the '£1.3m nippy French winger' was so nippy he ended up all the way down in sunny Rochdale, very mysterious but the fact even Hibs wouldn't have him seems to suggest he's probably just a bit cack. Arnau - Captain of Barcelona B Team apparently, lasted 4 minutes on his debut at Bury before elbowing his way to a straight red card, he's obviously only ever seen Shearer play and assumed that's how its done in England. Never seen since, some rumours suggest he may actually have been a ghost.

A special mention also to our stars of the mobile phone screen, Liam Lawrence, shipped to an altogether poorer red n white outfit at Stoke, only to return and get almost decked by Danny Simpson. Ben Alnwick, seemingly 3^rd choice or lower at Tottenham, well done Ben, I think I'd rather have Fulop! Cameraman Chris Brown, still failing to control the ball or score at Norwich, whilst also appearing as Gonzo in The Muppets. And of course, Martin Woods, off to pastures new, but still probably tugging away like a monkey in the corner.

So there we have it, the most eventful season in many a moon, and the magic carpet ride hasn't even gotten off the runway yet! (Apparently someone cheered so Easyjet clamped it.) I am sure by this time in August there'll be a host of new faces to add to that list, although our shopping list may be limited somewhat as we only have 4 pools of players to choose from: Lads From Ireland, Lads From United, Lads From Celtic, and Lads On Dwight's Mobile.

I can't even imagine what will have happened between now and the start of next season, but I can't wait either! So get your season tickets renewed, get behind the lads on this list for the last few games because you know as well as I do - we're on our way!! (As long as the Southampton fans don't brick our buses again - now, now ladies don't have a moody… no-one likes a sore loser!)

Full steam ahead! Get the taxi's in Quinny - next stop the Premiership!